Surviving Anxiety

Anxiety is a *%&@$.  Panic attacks are even worse.  Combine the two and well, life becomes a living hell.  When you are dealing with anxiety, your whole life seems to stop and you are totally consumed with the horrific feelings you are suffering from.  The worst part is that you feel hopeless and trapped.

I started having panic attacks in January.  It began with waking up in the middle of the night with a panic attack and me having to "flee" the bedroom. I felt like I couldn't handle being in my bed or even the room for one more second. My heart was pounding.  My chest hurt.  I felt like I couldn't breathe. My skin crawled. Once I went downstairs, I felt a little better and eventually the feelings went away. 

Although annoying, I was able to cope with this because I could control it.  Wake up panicking, go downstairs, and sleep on the couch. Problem solved.

Spring Break came and I was excited to have some time off from work.  No stress, just family time.  That's when everything changed.  My panic attacks became more frequent.  I was no longer able to sleep in my bedroom.  Not only that, I could not sleep for more than 15-20 minutes at a time before I woke up in the recliner panicking.  For three days, I was only able to sleep for 3 hours each night--broken up into 15-20 minute increments.  I remember walking around my house in the middle of the night crying because I was so tired and could not sleep.  The exhaustion caused the panic attacks to increase in frequency and intensity. They started happening during the day as well as at night.  My ability to function stopped.  I panicked at home and in public places.  The low point was when I left Concord Mall bawling my eyes out because I couldn't handle it any more.

My mom had to stay to help with the boys.  I frequently had to leave the house with Aaron to take a break.  Aaron was the only person who could talk me through an attack.  My doctor was out of town and I had to wait over a week to see what type of help I could get.  Life was miserable. I felt like a horrible mother.  I felt like it was my fault and that I should be able to cope.  I didn't know what was wrong with me.

I started needing to use Ambien to sleep--although I still woke up every 30 minutes or so.  At least now I could go back to sleep.  I wasn't able to sleep in my bedroom, but I was sleeping a bit more. Spring Break was over and I was able to be distracted during the day. That and the added sleep caused the panic attacks during the day to stop. The evenings and night were still horrible though.  I feared the night because of what I was going to have to deal with. I basically starting panicking about having panic attacks.  I just wanted my life back to normal.  I started seeing a counselor to help me cope with the attacks.

This continued until Addison was born. While I was in the hospital, I felt awesome and I thought that my issues were just pregnancy related and I was done.  I came home from the hospital to my new house with my new baby and a new hope that my problems were finally gone.  That was Friday night.

Saturday and Sunday were the worst days of my life. Friday night another panic attack hit.  I wasn't able to sleep. By Saturday morning, my anxiety level was so high that my chest hurt constantly. I cried all day. Besides caring for Addison, I wasn't able to do anything else.  I also wasn't eating. I had to force myself to take a single bite of food.  I was exhausted. I was weak from lack of food.  I was fighting constant anxiety. I was dealing with panic attacks.  And I was crushed because I had thought I was done with this.

I remember calling my counselor and doctor on Sunday night crying my eyes out because I couldn't handle it anymore. On top of that, I felt incredibly guilty because I was putting Aaron and the kids through this ordeal.  I had no hope.  All I wanted was to be "normal" again.

Then things began to change. On the suggestion of my doctor, I started exercising by walking 2-3 miles per day (yes, I started that less than a week after having a baby--thank goodness for pain medication!).  The exercise helped immensely and I have not missed a day since I started.  I watched my diet and took vitamins.  The more I took care of myself, the more in control I felt.  I talked about my anxiety--acknowledged that this was my "normal" for now and stopped trying to fight it.  I had support from Aaron and my mom with the kids so that I could take care of myself when the feelings got too strong.  I was open with Dawson about what I was going through so that I didn't have to hide.  I continued to see my counselor and talk through my "triggers" and how to retrain my brain to stop reacting in a "fight or flee" way.  I started taking Ambien again so that I could sleep since exhaustion seemed to make everything worse.

Little by little, day by day my anxiety decreased. My anxiety was due to hormones and as the hormones normalized, my issues slowly went away. I am happy to say that the anxiety is gone. The panic attacks are gone.  I have weaned myself off of Ambien. And I am finally able to sleep in my bed!

This is what I learned from this phase of my life:

1. Anxiety is NOT anyone's fault.  It is not caused by a lack of faith, character, or self control.
2. If you are suffering from anxiety, there is hope.  From what I have read and learned, anxiety is usually a phase and will not last forever.  This is important because when you are going through it, you feel hopeless and fear it will never go away. 
3. Get help.  Talk to a counselor, especially one that specializes in anxiety.  Seeing a counselor is not a sign of weakness, but of strength.  
4. Acknowledge the anxiety.  It is there.  It is real.  Pretending it isn't there won't help. Be open and honest with your family and friends. You need support during this time.
5. Pray, but don't expect the anxiety to simply disappear. There is no instant fix.  You can't just "give it to God."  You still have to deal with the issue.  God can help give you strength to get through this time of your life.
6. Be willing to try a variety of things to help you cope.  Try breathing exercises, meditating, journaling, reading, exercising, etc...You may have to try a lot of things to figure out what works for you. 
7. Know that you are not alone.  Others have dealt with it and have lived through it. No matter how bad it seems or how hard life is, there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is hope.  Talk to others who have experience with it.  Get support and advice from them.  

I am hoping my experience will help someone else.  If you know of someone suffering from anxiety, please be patient and encouraging. Without having experienced yourself, it is hard to really understand the impact anxiety has on a person's well being.  Don't be judgemental or expect them to "suck it up." They are not choosing this and trust me, they would do anything to get rid of it.  Help them by offering to help with any demands on their life (watch their kids, give them a night out, provide them dinner, help them with a work project, etc...). You can even simply be there and be a good listener. Every little bit helps!

Addison is 1 Month Old!

I can hardly believe it. Addison is 1 month old.  It seems like yesterday I was begging her to leave my body and now, a whole month has past. I seriously believe time speeds up once you have kids.

She is a beautiful baby girl!  I am lucky because she is also a fantastic baby. Here is a list of tidbits about the princess.

1.  She doesn't mind baths but LOVES it when I wash her hair.  She was like this with her first bath in the hospital and the nurse told me she cried until she got her hair washed.  Such a girl. :)
2.  She hasn't lost any of her fantastically awesome hair. She doesn't mind bows or ribbons.  She loves when I brush it.
3. She farts like a grown man.  It's true.  In the hospital, I woke up to a toot and blamed Aaron.  It turns out it was my precious little girl.  Aaron and the boys are very proud of her.
4.  The child has the nickname of "The Pooper."  The key to getting her to poop is to put her in a clean diaper and a cute outfit.  That's her signal to fill her britches beyond capacity.  
5.  She sleeps like a champ.  Besides 1 long night in the hospital, she has pretty much slept well every night.  She wakes up once to nurse and then goes right back to sleep.  I am so lucky!
6.  She is easy going.  Nothing really phases her.  No one in my house has any sense of volume control.  She can sleep through anything.
7.  She is so amazing at the doctor's office. My boys screamed their heads off during check ups.  Even the basic check up (no shots) was a cause for a complete baby meltdown.  Addison could care less. She just lays there looking around.  The nurses love her. :)
8.  She is getting big.  At her 3 week appointment, she was already 11 lbs.  Let's face it, she was never "tiny."  But...it is a little sad that we totally bypassed the newborn stage, including diapers and clothes.  
9.  She already has a little personality.  She has smiled at us already (and not the gas/sleeping smiles).  She does this little complaining cry that stops as soon as you call her out on it. Ha!  Also, when she cries hard, she sounds like a goat. It's true.  Colton thinks it's quite funny.
10.  She is the perfect addition to our family. She travels well and has already learned to go everywhere with us. We were out and about starting with her being 4 days old! The boys love her to pieces. Colton thinks she is the best thing in the world and loves to be on pacifier patrol.  Dawson wants to hold her every second he can.  We all adore her and are so blessed to get to share life with her.  We have nicknamed her "The Little Sweetie."  And it is true. She is the sweetest thing in the world!